quercusoptima | [aather] Candle Call post

I don't want it to change anything! It's... it's better to act like I didn't do it, that way no one will be hurt!

... Your feelings are legitimate too, Teito. And you're not going to help anyone by just ignoring them.

They're not!

[ ... wow that was an awkward outburst, um. ]

...... if all they're going to do is hurt people, or make them do bad things...... or... if they do have any authority at all, then my feelings on the matter are already decided anyway. I want it ignored!

And is that going to actually make anyone feel better at all?

It's better than the alternative.

Is it? Pretending that there's nothing when there's something there, hiding for what you think is the sake of others ... that sort of thing might be better in the short term, but not the long run.

How can you say what will happen in the long run, or create a better future? It's not as if I'm not hiding my feelings from myself, but going ahead and acting on them-- that's something else entirely!

I'm not saying you have to act on them, but just denying them is only going to make you feel worse, and repressing them will do no one favors. At least acknowledging them, you give yourself the power to move past it.

I know! You just misinterpreted what I said!

Did I really?

Or maybe it's just easy for you to say those kind of things... but it's not the same for everyone!

When has repression ever actually helped?

I said it wasn't repression... just forget it.

Then what is it? Explain it to me.

I was just bewildered by how much he... he wants to believe in me! And... I don't want to lose him, or have anyone else lose him because or me! Also... I realize that my opinion of myself and my worth is terribly low, and it gets worse every memory no matter how much I know people value me... but even knowing that, I'm not someone-- who's got the ability to grant Mikage happiness! He should chose his happiness freely without me interfering! Especially when he's already chosen that sort of happiness with someone else, and I don't have a right to step in on Shuri's happiness either! How can I even say I value Mikage's happiness when I do that! And Shuti... I know he cares for Mikage a lot! Probably more than I'm able to give, because... because I just take and become reliant on Mikage's emotions, rather than...

[ He takes a shaky breath. ]

It's not repression, it's facing the truth of things. If I was a stronger person, then maybe I'd be able to voice my feelings or act on them, but I don't trust myself to do that without faltering or ruining things more. So it's better for me to just put my feelings, my selfishness aside.

[listening, letting him get that all out, and waiting until it's clear he's done]

As you said, Mikage does have the right to choose his happiness. But that means knowing that you might care about him too. He told me that he doesn't know yet what he wants. So to force him one way or the other isn't fair to him, either. It should wait until he can talk to Shuri again, but just cutting things off like that ... it doesn't seem right.

But if someone believes in you that strongly, there's a good reason for that.