I was just bewildered by how much he... he wants to believe in me! And... I don't want to lose him, or have anyone else lose him because or me! Also... I realize that my opinion of myself and my worth is terribly low, and it gets worse every memory no matter how much I know people value me... but even knowing that, I'm not someone-- who's got the ability to grant Mikage happiness! He should chose his happiness freely without me interfering! Especially when he's already chosen that sort of happiness with someone else, and I don't have a right to step in on Shuri's happiness either! How can I even say I value Mikage's happiness when I do that! And Shuti... I know he cares for Mikage a lot! Probably more than I'm able to give, because... because I just take and become reliant on Mikage's emotions, rather than...
[ He takes a shaky breath. ]
It's not repression, it's facing the truth of things. If I was a stronger person, then maybe I'd be able to voice my feelings or act on them, but I don't trust myself to do that without faltering or ruining things more. So it's better for me to just put my feelings, my selfishness aside.
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timeasmymeasure
Re: Day 165, tea time
Date: 2012-08-04 06:24 am (UTC)[ He takes a shaky breath. ]
It's not repression, it's facing the truth of things. If I was a stronger person, then maybe I'd be able to voice my feelings or act on them, but I don't trust myself to do that without faltering or ruining things more. So it's better for me to just put my feelings, my selfishness aside.